Bancuri Netraduse, ..adica in Engleza Optiuni

[Balauru]

Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

[Balauru]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Balauru]

AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.

[Promo Contextual]

[bdl]

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.

Acest topic a fost editat de bdl: 22 Jun 2003, 01:18 PM

[bdl]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll fuck her again!"

[Balauru]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and
finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that
red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has
thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

Yes! Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Balauru]

Two elderly residents

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Hell, no!" replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

[Balauru]

MEMO:



SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.



SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed
constitutes a breach of the Employment Contract.



PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.



VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as
follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25



BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to
the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.



OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.



RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of
going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.



LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal
size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
thee average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.



DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we see you wearing $350
Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financial and therefore
you do not need a raise.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.



Have a nice week,

The Management

[Mistinguett]

N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala.

[Balauru]

QUOTE (Mistinguett @ Jun 24 2003, 02:51 AM)

N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala. >angry<

Really? Daca ai asa o prezenta de scena,bosii sunt iubitori de teatru :))))

Ce sa facem,capitalismul care are ca lozinca privatizarea obsesiva a afacerilor nu mai e la fel de simpatic.Probabil lucrezi la un particular.
Lumea injura socialismul,dar dupa ce nu or sa-l mai aibe,o sa planga amar.
Nu vorbesc de socialismul gen Ceausescu.Ala era un rahat.

[Balauru]

...am vrut sa spun: afaceri de stat: privatizarea afacerilor de stat.

[Balauru]

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and
were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods
he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take
to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

[cristoi]

You know its 2003 when

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years
3 .You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you
still answer the phone in a business manner
7. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally do
9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined
16. Interviewess, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
diet
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop
with all the latest features, most of which he can't
use or doesn't need but you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or youre
in hospital
20. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your departament desperately needs,
but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as
"works with computers"

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling
23. As you read this list, you're thinking about which
of your "friends" you can forward it to.
24. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks
to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net
(he he he)
25. You are too busy to notice there was no no.9
26. You actually scrolled back up to chek taht there
wasn'n a No.9 !?

Acest topic a fost editat de cristoi: 25 Jun 2003, 02:10 PM

[Balauru]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug / bird; some days you are the windshield /
statue.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass ...
then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 53.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

THE DAY MOST WASTED IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!

[Balauru]

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

[Balauru]

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

[Mistinguett]

Videos for sale - Which to Buy? The "Titanic" or the "Clinton" video.
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their fo rbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC V IDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

[Oana]

Cards you won't find by Hallmark:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years rhat we've been together,
I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ...but not to you.

12. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina and West Virginia)

[Balauru]

This is a joke that is really funny, and it works!
An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.
To find out what was inside the container, you must send
this to at least 10 people. When it says, your mail has been
sent...instead of clicking ok, hit ALT-8 and the container
will pop up on your screen.

[Balauru]

THANK GOD FOR GRANDMA !
> > > >
> > > >A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
> > > >letter from his grandmother asking him to send
> > > >her a current photo of himself in his new location.
> > > >
> > > >Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in
> > > >a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
> > > >accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
> > > >
> > > >He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
> > > >wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
> > > >eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
> > > >
> > > >A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
> > > >It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....
> > > >it makes your nose look short. Love, Grandma.

[Balauru]

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
> > > > > with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
> > > > > tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
> > > > > them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look
> > > > > like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best
> > > > > bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
> > > > > two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down
> > > > > inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes
> > > > > you want!"
> > > > >
> > > > > The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his
> > > > > spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato
> > > > > and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before!
> > > > >
> > > > > Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by,
> > > > > covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking
> > > > > sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks
> > > > > him, "What's wrong now?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard.......
> > > > > "The potato goes in front!!"

[Balauru]

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a
Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a
brown
bag on the front seat between them.If you're wondering what's in the
bag,"
offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times
and says, "Good trade."

[Balauru]

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love the guy rolled over and as he was
looking around he noticed a framed picture of another man on the
nightstand by the bed.

Naturally, he is concerned and began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

”Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied............

"That's me before the surgery."

[Balauru]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,

happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it

was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there

anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the

female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away

...


"Hellooooo - we're all down here...."

---------------------------------------------------

The Female Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed...
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

The Male Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge Tits who owns a liquor
store.
Amen
--------------------------------------------

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"

*************************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual
orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No,
I think we had State Farm."

***********************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a
penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy
for
a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[Balauru]

The story of the fly


In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a
leaf beside a lake.
This fly said to himself:

"Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the cool mist from the
water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the
fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up
the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh,"
he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps
for it, that bear will expose himself and grab
the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a great trophy to show my wife and friends."

You probably think this is enough activity
for one morning near the bank of a lake, but
there is MORE to come...

A little mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking,"Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for
that fly, and that bear goes for that fish,then
that dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his
cheese sandwich.And I will have a good lunch"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this
scene and thought:
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs that
fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the
cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch...and that sandwich."



The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that
he heads down three inches for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps at the mouse,
But the mouse ducks, and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is probably in danger.....

[Balauru]

Can't Come To Work Today....

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
=========

Corporate managers are always a good source of memorable quotes. Here are some examples of mediocrity rising to the top:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
=========

New Martha Stewart Products:
File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe

Scented soap-on-a-rope

Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon

Book : 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband

New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection

Book : Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit

Decorative license plates

TV show : Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown

Book : Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden

Cybill Shepherd dartboard
=========

Long ago, cursing and beating a stick into the ground was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf.
=========

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
=========

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER:
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party so he goes to order a birthday cake.

The bakery clerk asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

He thinks for a while and says "Let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".

The clerk asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, "Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom."

The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"
=========

SIGNS YOU CAN HANG OVER YOUR DESK AT WORK:
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!

I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
=========

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"

"You're on," returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.

After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."

**************

Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother.

To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.

As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.

"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"

[Balauru]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.

"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.

"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily:

"You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone víz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

[Balauru]

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$200", he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer and a blonde



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other in a plane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Balauru]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket
and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere"

[Balauru]

1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes? Both of them.
2) Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3) Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't
stop and ask for directions.
5) What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer.
7) What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds
mature.
8) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
9) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't
know; it has never happened.
10) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking? They all already have boyfriends.
11) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
12) When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
13) What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it
all.
14) Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come
home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
15) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught
fire.
16) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between
his toes.
17) What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better
than that.
18) What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
19) How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
20) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
21) Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God
says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you
make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

[Balauru]

* Johnny asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". Johnny says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like
at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please
pass me the vagina?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth
buying the whole pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
his dad, bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her
son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The
Mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time", says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his
Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on
her knees, and blows it right back up."

[Balauru]

>*** WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
>(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>3) From which animal do we get catgut?
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>
>All done? Check your answers below!
>
>
>*** ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>*116 years
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>*Ecuador
>3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
>*Sheep and Horses
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>*November
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>*Squirrel fur
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>*Dogs
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>*Albert
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>*Crimson
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>*New Zealand
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>*Orange, of course.
>What do you mean you failed?!
>Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
>

[Balauru]

This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick; the winning entry:

"Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown."

[Balauru]

MEN RULING

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long.
In the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said:
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all dominated by women.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud !
Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied,
"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

-----------------------------------------------------

Senior Moments

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car goinga
the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife
with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago


Acest topic a fost editat de Balauru: 11 Jul 2003, 03:12 PM

[Balauru]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.