The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"
Versiune completa:Bancuri Netraduse
Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband and frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"
The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"
The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll fuck her again!"
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll fuck her again!"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and
finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that
red flower you give to someone you love?
His friends replies, "A Carnation??"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has
thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
Yes! Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we
went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and
finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that
red flower you give to someone you love?
His friends replies, "A Carnation??"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has
thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
Yes! Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Two elderly residents
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Hell, no!" replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Hell, no!" replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
MEMO:
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed
constitutes a breach of the Employment Contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as
follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to
the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of
going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal
size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
thee average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we see you wearing $350
Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financial and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
The Management
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed
constitutes a breach of the Employment Contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as
follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to
the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of
going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal
size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
thee average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast & take a diet
pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we see you wearing $350
Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financial and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
The Management
N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala. 
| QUOTE (Mistinguett @ Jun 24 2003, 02:51 AM) |
| N-ai sa crezi, dar de fapt chestia cu sick days am auzit-o personal (adevarat ca sefa respectiva nu a durat mult...) Not funny in contextul ala. >angry< |
Really? Daca ai asa o prezenta de scena,bosii sunt iubitori de teatru :))))
Ce sa facem,capitalismul care are ca lozinca privatizarea obsesiva a afacerilor nu mai e la fel de simpatic.Probabil lucrezi la un particular.
Lumea injura socialismul,dar dupa ce nu or sa-l mai aibe,o sa planga amar.
Nu vorbesc de socialismul gen Ceausescu.Ala era un rahat.
...am vrut sa spun: afaceri de stat: privatizarea afacerilor de stat.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and
were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods
he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take
to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and
were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods
he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take
to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take
to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
You know its 2003 when
1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years
3 .You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you
still answer the phone in a business manner
7. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally do
9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined
16. Interviewess, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
diet
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop
with all the latest features, most of which he can't
use or doesn't need but you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or youre
in hospital
20. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your departament desperately needs,
but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as
"works with computers"
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling
23. As you read this list, you're thinking about which
of your "friends" you can forward it to.
24. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks
to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net
(he he he)
25. You are too busy to notice there was no no.9
26. You actually scrolled back up to chek taht there
wasn'n a No.9 !?
1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years
3 .You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you
still answer the phone in a business manner
7. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally do
9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined
16. Interviewess, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple
diet
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop
with all the latest features, most of which he can't
use or doesn't need but you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or youre
in hospital
20. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your departament desperately needs,
but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as
"works with computers"
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling
23. As you read this list, you're thinking about which
of your "friends" you can forward it to.
24. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks
to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net
(he he he)
25. You are too busy to notice there was no no.9
26. You actually scrolled back up to chek taht there
wasn'n a No.9 !?
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his
shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug / bird; some days you are the windshield /
statue.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass ...
then things get worse.
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 53.
29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
THE DAY MOST WASTED IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you criticize him you're a mile away and you have his
shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug / bird; some days you are the windshield /
statue.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass ...
then things get worse.
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 53.
29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
THE DAY MOST WASTED IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
Videos for sale - Which to Buy? The "Titanic" or the "Clinton" video.
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their fo rbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC V IDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their fo rbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC V IDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.
Cards you won't find by Hallmark:
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years rhat we've been together,
I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married ...but not to you.
12. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?
15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina and West Virginia)
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years rhat we've been together,
I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ... I've changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married ...but not to you.
12. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?
15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina and West Virginia)
This is a joke that is really funny, and it works!
An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.
To find out what was inside the container, you must send
this to at least 10 people. When it says, your mail has been
sent...instead of clicking ok, hit ALT-8 and the container
will pop up on your screen.
An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.
To find out what was inside the container, you must send
this to at least 10 people. When it says, your mail has been
sent...instead of clicking ok, hit ALT-8 and the container
will pop up on your screen.
THANK GOD FOR GRANDMA !
> > > >
> > > >A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
> > > >letter from his grandmother asking him to send
> > > >her a current photo of himself in his new location.
> > > >
> > > >Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in
> > > >a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
> > > >accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
> > > >
> > > >He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
> > > >wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
> > > >eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
> > > >
> > > >A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
> > > >It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....
> > > >it makes your nose look short. Love, Grandma.
> > > >
> > > >A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
> > > >letter from his grandmother asking him to send
> > > >her a current photo of himself in his new location.
> > > >
> > > >Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in
> > > >a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
> > > >accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
> > > >
> > > >He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
> > > >wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
> > > >eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
> > > >
> > > >A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
> > > >It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....
> > > >it makes your nose look short. Love, Grandma.
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
> > > > > with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
> > > > > tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
> > > > > them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look
> > > > > like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best
> > > > > bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
> > > > > two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down
> > > > > inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes
> > > > > you want!"
> > > > >
> > > > > The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his
> > > > > spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato
> > > > > and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before!
> > > > >
> > > > > Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by,
> > > > > covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking
> > > > > sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks
> > > > > him, "What's wrong now?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard.......
> > > > > "The potato goes in front!!"
> > > > > with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
> > > > > tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
> > > > > them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look
> > > > > like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best
> > > > > bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
> > > > > two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down
> > > > > inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes
> > > > > you want!"
> > > > >
> > > > > The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his
> > > > > spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato
> > > > > and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before!
> > > > >
> > > > > Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by,
> > > > > covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking
> > > > > sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks
> > > > > him, "What's wrong now?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard.......
> > > > > "The potato goes in front!!"
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a
Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a
brown
bag on the front seat between them.If you're wondering what's in the
bag,"
offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times
and says, "Good trade."
Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a
brown
bag on the front seat between them.If you're wondering what's in the
bag,"
offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times
and says, "Good trade."
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND
After a long night of making love the guy rolled over and as he was
looking around he noticed a framed picture of another man on the
nightstand by the bed.
Naturally, he is concerned and began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.
”Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied............
"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love the guy rolled over and as he was
looking around he noticed a framed picture of another man on the
nightstand by the bed.
Naturally, he is concerned and began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.
”Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied............
"That's me before the surgery."
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it
was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there
anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the
female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away
...
"Hellooooo - we're all down here...."
---------------------------------------------------
The Female Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed...
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
The Male Prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge Tits who owns a liquor
store.
Amen
--------------------------------------------
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
*************************
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual
orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No,
I think we had State Farm."
***********************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a
penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy
for
a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it
was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there
anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the
female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away
...
"Hellooooo - we're all down here...."
---------------------------------------------------
The Female Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed...
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
The Male Prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge Tits who owns a liquor
store.
Amen
--------------------------------------------
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
*************************
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual
orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No,
I think we had State Farm."
***********************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a
penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy
for
a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The story of the fly
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a
leaf beside a lake.
This fly said to himself:
"Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the cool mist from the
water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the
fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up
the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh,"
he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps
for it, that bear will expose himself and grab
the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a great trophy to show my wife and friends."
You probably think this is enough activity
for one morning near the bank of a lake, but
there is MORE to come...
A little mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking,"Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for
that fly, and that bear goes for that fish,then
that dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his
cheese sandwich.And I will have a good lunch"
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this
scene and thought:
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs that
fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the
cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch...and that sandwich."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that
he heads down three inches for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps at the mouse,
But the mouse ducks, and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is probably in danger.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a
leaf beside a lake.
This fly said to himself:
"Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the cool mist from the
water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the
fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up
the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh,"
he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps
for it, that bear will expose himself and grab
the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a great trophy to show my wife and friends."
You probably think this is enough activity
for one morning near the bank of a lake, but
there is MORE to come...
A little mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking,"Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for
that fly, and that bear goes for that fish,then
that dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his
cheese sandwich.And I will have a good lunch"
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this
scene and thought:
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs that
fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the
cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch...and that sandwich."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that
he heads down three inches for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps at the mouse,
But the mouse ducks, and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is probably in danger.....
Can't Come To Work Today....
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
=========
Corporate managers are always a good source of memorable quotes. Here are some examples of mediocrity rising to the top:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
=========
New Martha Stewart Products:
File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe
Scented soap-on-a-rope
Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon
Book : 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband
New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection
Book : Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit
Decorative license plates
TV show : Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown
Book : Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden
Cybill Shepherd dartboard
=========
Long ago, cursing and beating a stick into the ground was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
=========
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
=========
YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER:
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party so he goes to order a birthday cake.
The bakery clerk asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
He thinks for a while and says "Let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".
The clerk asks "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, "Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom."
The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"
=========
SIGNS YOU CAN HANG OVER YOUR DESK AT WORK:
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
=========
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
**************
Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother.
To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.
As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.
"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.
Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
=========
Corporate managers are always a good source of memorable quotes. Here are some examples of mediocrity rising to the top:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
=========
New Martha Stewart Products:
File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe
Scented soap-on-a-rope
Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon
Book : 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband
New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection
Book : Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit
Decorative license plates
TV show : Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown
Book : Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden
Cybill Shepherd dartboard
=========
Long ago, cursing and beating a stick into the ground was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
=========
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
=========
YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER:
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party so he goes to order a birthday cake.
The bakery clerk asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
He thinks for a while and says "Let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".
The clerk asks "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, "Well, put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom."
The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"
=========
SIGNS YOU CAN HANG OVER YOUR DESK AT WORK:
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
=========
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
**************
Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother.
To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.
As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.
"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.
Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily:
"You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone víz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily:
"You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone víz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$200", he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other in a plane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$200", he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other in a plane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket
and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere"
and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere"
1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes? Both of them.
2) Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3) Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't
stop and ask for directions.
5) What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer.
7) What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds
mature.
8) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
9) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't
know; it has never happened.
10) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking? They all already have boyfriends.
11) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
12) When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
13) What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it
all.
14) Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come
home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
15) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught
fire.
16) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between
his toes.
17) What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better
than that.
18) What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
19) How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
20) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
21) Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God
says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you
make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
do the dishes? Both of them.
2) Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3) Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
4) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't
stop and ask for directions.
5) What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
6) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer.
7) What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds
mature.
8) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
9) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't
know; it has never happened.
10) Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking? They all already have boyfriends.
11) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
12) When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
13) What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it
all.
14) Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come
home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
15) How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught
fire.
16) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between
his toes.
17) What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better
than that.
18) What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
19) How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
20) What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
21) Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God
says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you
make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
* Johnny asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". Johnny says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like
at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please
pass me the vagina?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth
buying the whole pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
his dad, bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her
son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The
Mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time", says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his
Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on
her knees, and blows it right back up."
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". Johnny says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like
at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please
pass me the vagina?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth
buying the whole pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
his dad, bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her
son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The
Mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time", says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his
Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on
her knees, and blows it right back up."
>*** WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
>(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>3) From which animal do we get catgut?
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>
>All done? Check your answers below!
>
>
>*** ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>*116 years
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>*Ecuador
>3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
>*Sheep and Horses
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>*November
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>*Squirrel fur
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>*Dogs
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>*Albert
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>*Crimson
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>*New Zealand
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>*Orange, of course.
>What do you mean you failed?!
>Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
>
>(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>3) From which animal do we get catgut?
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>
>All done? Check your answers below!
>
>
>*** ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
>*116 years
>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>*Ecuador
>3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
>*Sheep and Horses
>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
>*November
>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>*Squirrel fur
>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>*Dogs
>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>*Albert
>8) What color is a purple finch?
>*Crimson
>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>*New Zealand
>10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>*Orange, of course.
>What do you mean you failed?!
>Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.
>
This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick; the winning entry:
"Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown."
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick; the winning entry:
"Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown."
MEN RULING
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
The next time God looked, there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long.
In the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said:
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all dominated by women.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud !
Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied,
"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
-----------------------------------------------------
Senior Moments
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car goinga
the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife
with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
The next time God looked, there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long.
In the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said:
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all dominated by women.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud !
Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied,
"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
-----------------------------------------------------
Senior Moments
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
------------------------------------
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car goinga
the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife
with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still
very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
What Men Really Mean
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I
am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at
me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I
am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at
me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
Genre: Bathroom Graffiti
Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way
************
Genre: Elderly Jokes
A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”
*************
Genre: Entertainment Jokes
One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”
The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”
*************
Genre: Redneck Jokes
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
*************
Genre: Sex Jokes
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
*************
Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
*************
Genre: Elderly Jokes
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."
*************
+ Dating Joke
I dated this flaky woman one time.
Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonite."
"Good!" I replied. "That makes the four of us."
**************
+ Sex Joke
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.
The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."
Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".
The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.
Gerry starts, "1...2...3..."
*************
+ Sex Joke
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.
The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!
-------------------------------------
LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT
Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......I'm so glad that this is my
last ... damn child support
payment. Month after month, year after year, those... damn payments! So
I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this
last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last damn check she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face." So my baby girl took
the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the wench had to
say and what she looked
like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?" "She told
me to tell you that you aren't my daddy..."
Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way
************
Genre: Elderly Jokes
A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”
*************
Genre: Entertainment Jokes
One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”
The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”
*************
Genre: Redneck Jokes
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
*************
Genre: Sex Jokes
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
*************
Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
*************
Genre: Elderly Jokes
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."
*************
+ Dating Joke
I dated this flaky woman one time.
Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonite."
"Good!" I replied. "That makes the four of us."
**************
+ Sex Joke
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.
The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."
Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".
The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.
Gerry starts, "1...2...3..."
*************
+ Sex Joke
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis.
The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!
-------------------------------------
LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT
Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......I'm so glad that this is my
last ... damn child support
payment. Month after month, year after year, those... damn payments! So
I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this
last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the
last damn check she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face." So my baby girl took
the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the wench had to
say and what she looked
like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?" "She told
me to tell you that you aren't my daddy..."
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Dooley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Dooley had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Dooley" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Dooley is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. " No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for 3 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
THE SIXTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess," "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Dooley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Dooley had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Dooley" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Dooley is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. " No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for 3 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
THE SIXTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess," "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
GRANDMA’S GOOD TIME
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry.You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry.You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look
on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it
again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I
just beating a dead horse?"
*****************
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned
out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How
in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."
*****************
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to
you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
*****************
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
*****************
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to
wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and
said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
*****************
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender
says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay,"
replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is
gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the
bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
*****************
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.
The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did
the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."
"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.
*****************
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.
"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be
lawyers!
*****************
I read #7 and I knew I had to forward this one on......
Eternal Truths
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it
again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I
just beating a dead horse?"
*****************
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned
out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How
in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."
*****************
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to
you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
*****************
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
*****************
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The
first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel
after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his
hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to
wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and
said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
*****************
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender
says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay,"
replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is
gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the
bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
*****************
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself.
The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign
that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did
the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."
"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.
*****************
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.
"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be
lawyers!
*****************
I read #7 and I knew I had to forward this one on......
Eternal Truths
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our
sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the
silence that they don't get along very well.
After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like
Chinese."
The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not
Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter, they're all
alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says,
"No
rike Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ...
all same."
----------------------------------
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
First Officer is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the
silence that they don't get along very well.
After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like
Chinese."
The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not
Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter, they're all
alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says,
"No
rike Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ...
all same."
----------------------------------
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Translation problems
In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."
Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."
Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
> monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There have been
only ten times in history when the "F" word was acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999
And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003
only ten times in history when the "F" word was acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999
And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003
No Respect
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.
A young boy asks his father about Mum. "Dad, what are those things on
Mummy's chest?"
The Dad doesn't know what to say so comes up with "They're balloons,
son."
"Balloons!" The boy replies. "Why would there be balloons on Mummy's
chest?"
Dad tries to think of something fast that will satisfy the boy. "Well,
when Mummy dies, we blow them up and she floats up to heaven."
The young boy seems to think this makes sense and all is forgotten for
the time being.
A month or two later, Dad is cutting the grass out back when the young
boy comes running out. "Dad! Dad! Come quick! Mummy's dying! Mummy's
Dying!"
The Dad stops the boy and says "Calm down Son. What do you mean? Why do
you think Mummy is dying?"
The boy is breathless, but explains "Well, Uncle Arthur is in there
blowing up Mummy's balloons and Mummy's yelling 'Oh God, I'm Coming!'
Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!
Mummy's chest?"
The Dad doesn't know what to say so comes up with "They're balloons,
son."
"Balloons!" The boy replies. "Why would there be balloons on Mummy's
chest?"
Dad tries to think of something fast that will satisfy the boy. "Well,
when Mummy dies, we blow them up and she floats up to heaven."
The young boy seems to think this makes sense and all is forgotten for
the time being.
A month or two later, Dad is cutting the grass out back when the young
boy comes running out. "Dad! Dad! Come quick! Mummy's dying! Mummy's
Dying!"
The Dad stops the boy and says "Calm down Son. What do you mean? Why do
you think Mummy is dying?"
The boy is breathless, but explains "Well, Uncle Arthur is in there
blowing up Mummy's balloons and Mummy's yelling 'Oh God, I'm Coming!'
Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
Why chocolate is better than sex:
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind..
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find..
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind..
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find..
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.
How They Are Made
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Do you know
how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
To,
Juliet
Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Dear Ms.
Baby, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I' ve been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Professional.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Do you know
how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
To,
Juliet
Sub: Offer of love!
Ref: Meeting in coffee shop
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am pleased to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Dear Ms.
Baby, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I' ve been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Professional.
Aceasta este o versiune "Text-Only" a continutului acestui forum. Pentru a vizualiza versiunea completa, cu mai multe informatii, formatari si imagini,click aici.